The following journal entry is from 12/2009 -it's now 4/2010 and my feeling is that this is a whole new world. Piece by piece/things have fallen into place. I'm focused on the NOW/what I'm capable of and with the overwhelming sense that my mission is to inspire... my job is to never underestimate this power within/respect its force and respond to the energy. Many thanks to those who have been there over the past couple of years/to see me through! My number one support being my mom, without her/the rock -I would NOT be here; she is my angel.
December 5, 2009
The past couple of days have been a little rough for me. It seems that this hamster wheel of who am I and where am I going is still in full force. Yesterday as I was reading various quotes and trying to engage myself/move me back into whatever it is I care about in this life –I thought to myself what crap. I’m so sick of “inspiration” and the cheesiness of you can be whatever you put your mind to. Then this morning as I was watching tv, I thought to myself, “wow –I am living the life of someone who fucked up in high school.” I always hear people say –work hard, do your best, be responsible, etc. and I did all of that. Everything that was ever asked of me –I did it. So if that’s the case, why am I here and why can’t I make something out of “this”. It’s a vicious cycle of feeling this way, then feeling bad/ashamed for the way I’m feeling because honestly -9/10 people in my shoes would not complain nearly as much.
This is what I think/feel…
As I look around my apartment –I’m reminded of failure (AAU portfolio/world map/pile of files and blank canvases); and then there are the memories (USDA stress cow, African hat, and prayer flags/pictures/postcards/journals/letters); and finally death (some of nan’s belongings/dad’s ring/pictures/and their absence). Barbara’s bracelet/ring makes me sad because it’s a clear reminder of the way this life works. We definitely can’t take anything with us and what we leave behind is left for our loved ones or whoever to have.
Maybe it just comes down to the bottom line and that is –I have no clue what I want out of this life. Whatever I’ve been through since 2006 has clearly made a significant impact on my functioning/train of thought –it’s left me feeling insecure/exhausted/selfish/discontent/confused and utterly lost!
My heart is true/my love runs deep/my words have meaning. I don't compromise myself for anyone. When the waves hit/I resurface stronger with more compassion and a real sense of what I need/what I want/what I deserve! -sp